Still

My lungs feel tired again, like exactly a month ago. It feels tiresome to breathe and speak. Anything involving air through pipes. Does not feel nice at all. :/

But just putting that aside a minute, I actually feel very good.

As I made my way to school today, I felt oddly calm. I remember thinking: I finally have a routine. A real routine where I feel secure in every aspect. I don't dread going to work, I don't dread waking up or going to sleep...I mean, it's all ok. It even occured to me in a one big illuminated thought, I LIKE WHAT I'M DOING! That's got to be a first in a long time. I not only like it, I LIKE it, with all my body. Can't put it into words quite well.
That just confirmed intself when my colleague told me she's really happy with me and believes that by the end of the year I would be qualified to take on a class myself, as the teacher teacher. I looked at her, eyes wide open and something in that resonated. She asked me: do you want to be a teacher here? do you want to be a teacher, do you like this? do you want to work in schools? why don't you want psychology?

Aaah, one after another, and all I could do was listen and have some strange light dawn on me...Maybe I am finally where I'm meant to be. I had no reason to say no to her ideas and encouragement, unless I intentionally wanted to boycott myself. It was crystal clear.

A little girl fell asleep in my arms today and I wanted to take her home with me, or better yet, I wanted one of my own...and it was worth every minute of stress and repetition...she felt conforted enough to sleep with me. So much stillness...shhh

I am so relieved because I feel still inside.
I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.