segunda-feira, 30 de janeiro de 2012
And the wave keeps on going and going. Now I can accept that I am no longer where i was before and no longer will be. I think I'm coming to terms with that. That's something, right?
My prayer has been: Lord, help me accept what is happening in my life right now. Help me accept. Accept. Accept.
The fear is of the unknown, that is all. There is no monster, there is the unknown. And everything that is new will be unknown until it is known, that is the rhythm of life and has always been. It helps to remember this. I am exhausted today. Exhausted. I finally allowed myself to not eat when feeling nauseous and it was a relief to be able to just feel what my body wanted, even though it made me weak. At least I didn't feel intoxicated like I did last week, when I forced myself to eat every meal. I felt awful. I feel awful just remembering last week.
I know none of this will be easy, but I am willing. I am working on acceptance, I am working on making my soul and brain and stomach realize that it is my choice to not turn back. It is my choice to carry this forward, and therefore, there must be acceptance in order for there to be harmony.
Intense work for someone who is not "working" anymore. I am contemplating my options differently than before. I see the guilt, the fear, the shame, the relief, the pleasure, etc - and take them as they are, just that. I realize I have tried, I have tried different options these last few years and I understand that I am being honest with myself. I accept that I might have made "mistakes", I understand that I will continue to make them. And it is ok.
I am counting on love, on love from my loved ones, on love from myself, on Love with a capital L. I choose to surround myself with loving and supporting people. I choose to be patient with myself and give my thoughts and feelings room to be and express themselves. I trust life to show me the way, I am praying for serenity to let myself trust.