Today, all is better.
Today is not yesterday and my heart has stopped aching.
I am able to celebrate the little moments of joy and peace and the new rhythm that is now the maestro of my new days. I made a new year's resolution that I would start this year differently, trying to break the patterns and chains that held me down in old ways of doing things. To step out of ruts, finally. And its working.
I celebrate the realizations that take over of how I can sidestep dangerous traps and I marvel at how they are not my destiny.
I started exercising again and realized that I don't need to go 150% in order for it to count.
I no longer feel guilty for free mornings (I really don't!!) because I realized how they are important for my busy afternoons and evenings, even if it is to rest and apparently do nothing.
Taking care of the house and my personal health and rest and exercise and etc. is worth the time I am not at work. It would be counterproductive to fill up my schedule in order to make "more"and then have "less"of a life.
I am getting off my meds, one day at a time. I feel ready.
I am taking on more responsibility at work and being counted on in ways that do not make me freak out, like it used to. I know what I am capable of now. I know that sounds like absolute cheese, but it's a freakin' breakthrough. I can talk to my boss as equals, I can tell her what I think and disagree and contribute because I know I can.
I have a budget I control and can handle. It's a great feeling, even if only 2 dollars are left at the end of each month, at least everything is getting paid for. And it's also a great way to review priorities and what I really need to live.
I am thankful for my friends that light up my days. thank you thank you.