Non Non Noooon!

Internet at home finally gives me the chance to write in here again.


My little space of sanity. Ironically, I am too tired at the moment, but let's give it a shot.


"non, non, non, je ne veux pas prendre l'air, noon non non non, je ne veux pas boire un verre..


NON NON NON NOOOON...je ne veux pas l'oublier, nooon non non non, je ne veux pas m'en passer


So, NONONONONONON, is what I need to say to a lot of things in my life right now. I need to say no and I'm struggling. With what, you ask? Struggling with the inner conflict of saying no and not being an "agreeable and easy person to deal with" anymore. Scared of not being "nice" anymore. Who am I kidding, of course I'll be nice about it, but I need to say no. I really wonder what would happen if I took it upon myself, this other persona...Of being a trouble maker, of saying the truth, of not smiling and saying "it's fine" all of the time. So many people do it, why can't I?? I'm programmed to be this way, full of little "expectation" antennae,
ready to pick up on any expectation people might have of me. 
So tired of this!
God help me this week, help me actually do something about this and not just sit here and whine about it. Help me act, help me be assertive, help me accept that I am allowed to be a pain, I am allowed to make things more difficult sometimes if that means making it better for me. It' not easy to make it easy for myself. 


Why don't write a book about being a moneyless aristorcrat who travels the world and writes about it? Thought of the day!

The Fork

Deep metaphysical thinking alert:

I don't understand why I'm working. Other than the money. Other than the traditional, must be able to pay my own bills way.

Really, this is driving me crazy.

WHY do I do what I do? Or better, what for? Is there an ideal here, is there a goal, a personal growth target, a change the world hope, or anything? where do I see myself in 10 years? 5? What about 1?

I don't see anything.

Oh god, I'm am in such a bad mood today!

I hate coming to this fork in the road. I usually don't know what to do when I get here and I get panicky so I just turn around and walk back to where it was a bit safer.

Alas, the fork is there, and in order to move on I must face it some day.

Tabitha

Tabitha is gone. Shit, shit, shit.
She's gone and all i can do is swear. Really, you would think i could think of something else. But I'm mad. And grieving.

It's the oddest feeling, a little cat that gets into your heart like this.
I can't believe this freakin apartment killed her. The vertiginous 26 floors.

All I can do is believe that as she was falling a cat angel took her from her body and back up to her home and let her say goodbye to us while we slept and told her it was going to be alright. Cat Heaven must be the best place on Earth.

Rest in peace my baby, I'll miss you!!

Catching up...

Aug 29^th

 (it actually looks nothing like this)

This new apartment is trippy. Trippy trippy. I am in a new neighborhood, actually, a new “city” and I know nothing about what lies below except how to get here and how to get out of here.

Everything is BRIGHT, there is so much sunlight I can see every single cat hair lying around, unmercifully. This is a plus, the old apartment was like a bat cavern, we had to turn lights on around every corner in the middle of the day to see our way around. Quite depressing like that.

I can see the trains that go by (we have trains in this city, really?), the subway on one of its only routes and the airplanes that come in for landing from far off distant lands. I am constantly reminded about how I am not getting out of here anytime soon. That’s ok, the sunlight softens that realization. :p

I’ve been without internet for the last few days (gasp!). That is one of the strangest thing, because I am actually forced to be here, where I am physically and limited to the “old ways” of communicating and knowing about the world. Until half an hour ago we had no cable (gasp, gasp!) and I’ve read more in these last 2 days in the last month.

I’ve had my first afternoon coffee in my new living room. I guess it is a baptism of sorts.

It’s starting to look like a home, although not mine yet. A start. I actually was dying to have to work today, but for some reason everyone sort of cancelled on me and I have had to deal with my new reality. I am here.

The view from the 26^th floor is vertiginous, like living on one of the airplanes that constantly fly by. 

oh oh ooooh

oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhhhhhh!
hora do desabafo hora do famoso "overwhelmed" rant.
hora de not care at all about punctuation and capital letters and what language coherency might be.
I hate it when the world starts feeling like a threatening place, the feeling crawls up on me so often it sucks
It crawls into me and I crawl into it.

Funny, Fickle Clocks

Oh what a funny feeling, like the clock ran backwards and my mind morphed into something it used to know.
Oh what a strange feeling.
It used to know- but it knows enough to know that this is not where it's supposed to be anymore. 


Then it does another funny thing, this clock of mine - it runs forward at full speed, sprinting and skipping through the hours, skipping through the days - and my memory fails me when I try to remember what I did this morning or what I have to do in 5 minutes.

It was my birthday yesterday. There you have it, 26. That makes all kinds of clocks lose their handles on their hands. But, happy birthday to me. Thank you god for so many blessings. Thank you, thank you...I'm grateful for feeling proud of myself. 

Early Birds...

What a relief, here at home, feet up in the air, House on tv, cats lounging around.

I get scared easily. In many senses. 

I easily feel threatened, ditto. 

If I start getting too tired, I feel scared. If I don't get enough sleep, I feel terrified.

If I start working too much, I feel scared of being swallowed up by it and never having a life.

If I have a pretty light day, I feel scared the guilt might swallow me up

Then I start getting scared of getting scared, and that's one of the worst parts of it all. 

That's when the Fear takes over and guides my steps even more than it usually does. 

I'm trying to use all this in order to learn what I can deal with and what I don't have to deal with, what I can spare myself from here on. Like I said some post before, limits and boundaries, my own. Money isn't worth everything, that's for sure. I'm exhausted. And it's definitely, positively, absolutely not worth the Fear. Nothing is.

But for now, what a relief. Feet up, cats lounging, a blanket, a pillow.