Hey, arrête la folie. arrête ta folie!

Da ascoltare mentre leggi: 

To listen to while reading:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGkw1VSUlfo&ob=av2e

Still feeling crazy inside. Feeling crazy angry at a lot of things. 

Arrête ma folie!!

I´m wondering what my next long trip should be. Where to, what to study, what to see, what to photograph...I´m dreaming with my eyes open, dreaming of the next train out of this city.

The more I talk about this the more I realize what a crazy city this city is. I mean, it is MY city, I woke up here - oops, i meant to say I grew up here (freudian slip?), so it will always be MY city and I will only accept criticism from people who actually live here. Like criticizing your family members..you can do it but if someone else does it, get out of the way!

I´m tired of the bubble land of civil servants, where all the prices are adjusted to THEIR possibilities. I´m sick of it being so expensive to live on your own, to pay for gas, to pay for bread. I´m tired of all the status symbols people use around here, ranging all the way to brand of their baby clothes, the gyms, workout clothes, your disney vacations , to the schools these brats go to, to the yogoberries. So healthy, soooo american. I´m tired. Yes. You get the point. I don´t care.

I´m tired of living in a place where NOT being a government employee means having to work 12-14 hours a day to make a decent living, and then you dont have any time to enjoy your new found living. I´m tired of HAVING to own a car if I want to maintain my lifestyle - I can´t count on effective or even cheap transportation. If I have at less than an hour to get anywhere, I can´t count on public transportation. I could, but then I´d have to either work less or sleep less. Both essential. 

YES, I am so angry!!

I´m angry I can´t change things without making a big mess in everyone´s lives. I´m angry I actually care about other people´s lives. I´m angry they aren´t thinking of mine. 

Is there a way out?

Now you must listen to this song and watch the video...it´s a fantasy, getting on a horse and that´s it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmaSCvN5YDE&feature=relmfu

I can´t even write logical sensible sentences, taht´s how upset I am right now. What does it take to change?? HOW?? HOW?? What do you do when words are not enough and people are not LISTENING to you?

Logically I would say - you stop depending on words and stop depending on people to make your decisions. Not all people, just that people who are not listening. 

Do not leave this page without having listened to the songs - half of what I´m trying to express is in them!

Calamity Jane, Calaaaamity Jane, calamity Jane, caaaaalamity Jaaaaaane....

non voglio

Non voglio più i loro piccoli sorrisi, le loro voci, le loro urli, risate, ecc.
Sono stanca dei loro genitori, specialmente, che si sentono così fieri di avere i loro bambini studiando con noi, studiando "l'inglese", come se fossi uno simbolo di status. ODIO questo. ho voglio di vomitare su di loro e dire, guarda, ci sono cose molto più importanti!!! Svegliatevi!

Non voglio più le penne da colorire, le carte per fare le attività, i libri, lo smartboard, i giochi, la pazienza, il planning che si deve fare ogni santa lezione. Non voglio più pensare creativamente, non voglio più essere così dedicata e così preoccupata con loro, la scuola, i genitori.

AAAAAH. Non voglio più questa responsabilità che mi fa urlare dentro di me e mi fa venire voglia di uccidere. grr.

Agressividade...onde?

Putz grila, so isso que eu digo.

A tal reunião foi, eu me expus mais do que planejei, eu disse tudo, mas no final do dia prevalecem os interesses da escola e no final do dia prevalece o compromisso que fiz.

Limites pessoais, emoções...o que seria isso? Coisas a serem superadas, coisas a serem colocadas de lado. AMADUREÇA mulher, so isso que temos para te dizer.
Nao estou com raiva da chefe ou da escola. Estou com raiva de mim mesma de ter me metido nessa situação pra inicio de conversa. COM A REPETIÇÃO DA MESMA SANTA HISTORIA SEMPRE. Extrapolo meus limites e para sair da situação tenho que ter literalmente um parto ou um surto.

URGH.
RAIVA.
RAIVA.
As expectativas dos outros podem ser piores do que algemas.
Os compromissos implícitos sao piores que contratos assinados.

Agressividade em baby steps

Esta na hora de falar o que quero e o que nao quero. Esta na hora de assumir isso e finalmente pelamordedeus ser mais coerente comigo mesma.

Estou por aqui de atender as expectativas dos outros como uma doente, sempre me sobrecarregando, sempre me violentando para atender a essas ditas cujas.


Amanha tem reuiniao de coordenacao e quero falar disso tudo, quero falar com clareza - nao quero mais certas coisas. PONTO.
Repeat after me: Nao quero mais ___(fill in the blank)_______. Vou ficar ate vc achar alguem ou ate dezembro, whichever comes first. One more time with feeling - Vou ficar ate voce achar alguem ou ate o final do ano, o que chegar primeiro. 

O que pode acontecer de pior?

Decepcionar? Me perguntarem porque?
- Motivos emocionais - tenho meus limites. Estresse, inseguranca, nao estou pronta, nao me sinto bem. Qual desses motivos lhe satisfaz?

E se pensarem, nossa, que doida histerica instavel e irresponsabel? O que pode acontecer de pior?
Que pensem entao...desde que me escutem.

E se a partir dai me tratarem diferente ou nao gostarem mais de mim?
Nao preciso que gostem de mim para fazer meu trabalho bem...

Mas se ficar muito ruim?
Saio, pronto - para tudo tem solucao e nao eh o ultimo lugar no mundo que me empregaria.

Viu?? No PIOR das PIORES hipoteses, da pra lidar e nada eh o fim do mundo. Pode ser que nem a primeira pior hipotese aconteca, pode ser que a melhor aconteca - que me escutem! Que me respeitem na minha colocacao e eu nao me sinta um lixo por ter que decepcionar e mostrar os meus limites humanos.

'e interessante chegar ao ponto de nao se importar mais com certas coisas. O cansaco, a ansiedade, o mal estar fisico me forcam a nao me importar mais e eh uma sensacao libertadora - a agressividade vem a tona e sente todo o direito de existir e de se colocar. EU TENHO LIMITES DROGAAAA!! Esta na hora de eu memsa respeita-los - so assim os "outros" os respeitarao tambem

Tudo bem ser antissocial as vezes, o mundo gosta de ser antipessoal tambem...we're even.  thank you ez.

Fooey

Je ne me sens pas bien aujourd'hui. C'est une merde! J'ai deja pleure'...voil'a c'est ma histoire.

J'hais les dimanches, specialment les soirs.

Je voudrais savoir mieux le français, j'aime beaucoup écrire aussi, chaque mot a de l'importance absolute, comme un enigma.
My foot isn't alright, now I've got to do an MRI and possibly physical therapy and drugs...then maybe surgery. i don't want to think that far ahead cuz that just makes me sadder still.

Fantasies, fantasies, some are carribean beach material, others aren't so sunny. Others want to find a way to get help, real help. Others just want me to sleep because I have no idea what I'm talking about.

out.

My Foot is Scared

My fear is in my foot. It has been hurting and it physically retreats at the thought of someone touching it,
The nerve is in the wrong place and if pressed, will make my foot shoot with electricity. My tendons hurt as well. The more stressed I feel, the more it hurts.

I was able to make an appointment with a doctor, TOMORROW. This is unbelievable. One morning off and look what I've accomplished! Two doctors scheduled, my computer organized and more familiar, bath taken, sleep slept and nice lunch had.

I hope I can let the doctor touch my foot. What a scary thought.

I Was Speaking French

I was speaking French, then I wasn't. Suddenly I lost my breath amidst the rrr's and the eau's. Suddenly my head started spinning, suddenly I got cold and clammy and had to put my head down. Suddenly not even French was enough to keep me going.

Today I broke down at work, it was embarassing but too real to be too embarassing. I mean, whatever, I can't pretend it is what it isn't. It actually didn't start with French, it started before, right before the kids class. I panicked so bad I had to take my meds and then I figure that screwed with my blood pressure. Mixed and brewed with a whole bunch of other factors (moving to Guará, the new apartment and adjustment, my new temporary not so temporary hectic schedule, my psychology course crisis, sleeping too little, Tabita's death, lack of time with family and friends, the dry dry dry weather,  computer problems, personal health problems...what else?)

So I cancelled one class. 

And waited. 

But I couldn't think. I couldn't organize the most basic things in my head. How to plug in my computer in the wall? How to type a lesson? Where to start?? Where to find a place to sit down?

My heart racing, my hands still clammy. I couldn't figure out how to read and how to write and where to begin. So I threw it all into my locker and went downstairs in order to breathe, but all I could do was regress, infantile like, regress more and more, I wanted my mom, I wanted someone to take care of me, I wanted to feel strong, but all I felt was out of control and out of myself. Out of time. It doesn't belong to me anymore and I just couldn't...I just...I needed a break.

So I brokedown and like a broken machine, was sent home. Thank god. I'm grateful for the people who helped me allow myself to go home and just do nothing.

I still feel like crying because tomorrow will be here too soon, but at least I don't have to be up at 6 and I can stay home and DO NOTHING. I'll try my best to become better friends with my new macbook...right now I actually have developed bad feelings for it. :( I feel frustrated and angry at myself cuz it's a freakin expensive and freakin wonderful laptop, but I don't feel comfortable and I feel stupid when I use it. 

I miss just plain ole windows. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mac person, maybe I haven't evolved that far yet. :P

(when will it rain??)

I don't know where to start tomorrow but fortunately for me, it is not tomorrow. It's a good sign, however, that I am able to write about it now...good sign.