Tension throughout entire body leaks out of my tummy, out of my eyes in hot tears of relief which search for a way out, for permission to be expressed - I feel so tired today, but it's not 2009, that is all I can think of and be grateful for, it is not last year, it is not 2007, it is not 2005, it is not 2004 or 2003 that is all I know tonight - I knew it would be hard to sit here and write something real yet not melodramatic and I really try because today I need to write like my life depends on it which it sorta does, I would add, or else I will forget what appetite is and forget what is normality as my tummy feels the wretched "stomach fear", that is the name I gave it last year, 2009, I no longer feel stomach fear the same way, when it comes, I stop and drop anything I am doing in order to take care of it and of myself because there is no way on earth that I am not going to learn from past experience - today I wanted only fruit for lunch but made myself return and rediscover rice and beans and flavor, I told my tummy, you can take it, don't freak out on me, I'll be nice and patient, and it worked, because that's all it ever wants, is niceness and a bit of mothering, I guess, the stomach always knows what it wants, it's quite amazing like that.
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