Pro-agonize

The blog you don’t know...

I have probably erased many more post than I have left posted.

Do you believe in Maya? Maya, voce acredita em voce? A dream asked me this question this morning. I answered with a silent "no" and my head hung low, because the question-asker already knew the answer - he needed me to realize it.

Acreditar means to give credit to something,to validate it, not only to believe.

Dear diary,

There are too many shoes in my room and too little willpower to put them away…know the feeling?

Repetitions of life…put the shoe away, take it back out, brush your teeth, get them dirty, clean them again, breathe in, breathe out and back in again.

Eternal repetition, eternal doing and undoing. I am pure repetition, in writing, in thoughts, in attempts and mistakes.

In themes, in dreams, in phrasal structures.

Wonder comes out of the moments when we step slightly out of scheme and suddenly see everything from an entirely different perspective. Then you go back to repetition and the familiar, but now something has opened up, a new idea, a new possibility, not so new, not so unlikely as it first seemed –till there comes a moment when that newness has become your nowness and starts to participate in the regular throws of repetition. So, alas! The illusion returns that nothing changes and dear Lord, get me away from here, etc…and then the reverse can happen…you take one step out of line, back to where you were before opening new paths, and you get a view of what it all used to be like and that’s a whole other kind of shock in and of itself…How soon we forget the world before the present and the present beliefs we hold. The shock serves as a wake up call – hey, move on, hey, be grateful, hey, look, there is always movement, there is always growth, no matter how much you desire to fight against it.

And if that’s true when we’re fighting against life’s flow, imagine when we stop a little and stop resisting, imagine what wonders can be worked…And then take that idea one step further…imagine you not only don’t resist, but become a helpful little participant, helping some things along every now and then….Like getting up and going after that thing you’ve been putting off for weeks or months or years, or stepping off the brakes of self-tolerance, forgiveness and just plain good will.

And then from there...who knows, become a little (or not so little...) protagonist and grab that sword and open headway, capable of sustaining the condition of being alone in your agony (pro-agonize), for now you have successfully nurtured and created your own and intransferrable quest, like all good heroes and hermits do.