October in VermontA year ago just about, I was preparing to go on another visit to the States. See Dad, see sister, take a vacation and strentghen up for my return.
It was a milestone in 2009 and for that matter, a milestone in everything that includes US travel.
Sunny in Boston
Last year was a hell of a year with lots of phases and ups and downs and downs and downs and then a little tragic high ending in a much needed and fruitful down. That made no sense if you are not privy to the details of my life, but rest assured, it makes sense.
So when September came around I finally decided I'd had enough of the homeopathic attempts to stabilize and I'd had enough of resisting looking for a psychiatrist on some unexistant principle, just because I knew it'd be frowned upon or seen as a sign of giving up. But after a teacher talked to me and said "only you know what you're going through, não são eles que carregam esse sofrimento", I decided I had had enough of giving all the alternative treatments more and more time.
I was falling apart by September, stumbling through my days in yet another version of maya's breakdowns. I was so angry at myself. Unlike other times, I could not have sympathy for myself, because it was just getting so OLD! I felt out of control, I felt tired, exhausted and so sick of the same cycles.
Journal Entry, Sept. 13th, 2009
There's no point, it seems
in trying to make sense of anything
until I fix
my brain chemistry that's running
Because it's like...so many things come to mind, desires, hopes, fears, and at the end of the day, they just cancel each other out.
Comfort zone - dispair
Dreams - Blackness
1. Psychiatrist - urgent.
At the same time, I somehow decided that it would be a fine time to take a trip to the States. Don't ask me how I put that together, but it actually worked out well. I went to the psych and a week later I was on a plane, my bag full of my new munition. I was taking this trip to be able to bubble up, to protect myself in these precious first few weeks of waiting for the chemicals to do their magic.
I felt like I was removing myself from Brasilia in order to bubble wrap my soul. I was going to the country of indulgement and Lord how I indulged! First of all, I slept. I slept everything I wanted to, guilt-free. Second of all, I ate. I gained back the kilos I had shed with my apathy and crying fits. I ate fried food shamelessly, licking grease off my fingers and asking for more.
Journal Entry, October 8th, 2009
Stability. I feel like my emotions or better, my thoughts, have safeguards on, or a seat belt, or SOMETHING. A tree is justa a tree is just a tree. LIFE, is just life and it's actually, GOOD. There's promise, there's joy, there's serenity and acceptance. There's ME.
I have voglia un'altra volta. Appetite, WILL, etc.whatever you wanna call it.
Nothing is so urgent anymore, nothing is live or die.
FOOD at Quincy Market
I've developed APPETITE all of a sudden. I want to EAT everything, especially salty fatty things, of course. No salad cravings here...I don't feel freaked out at these changes or miss my old ways, old ways didn't do much good. Old ways was bone against the snow, raw flesh. Here I have tissue, fat, skin and blankets and a pillow and everything's ok. That's definitely Lexapro. It's like a Carribean Resort vacation for my mind...here, take a rest, don't worry about a thing, it's all being done for you now.I don't even feel like making those notorious lists or timelines or countdowns. I start to think about it but then I get distracted - oh look! A dandelion! - and the urge dissipates. I've been calling it being lazy but I realize it's not it at all...
E pronto, eis minha historinha de hoje. Fui para os EUA e resgatei um pouquinho de mim e da minha história. Voltei dos EUA e fui voltando a mim, pouco a pouco.
Sinto falta de lá as vezes e olho para essa viagem com muito carinho.
Faz um ano dessa rodada de psiquiatra e entramos na fase de re-considerar a sua necessidade e se está chegando a hora da retirada. Fica para os próximos capítulos!