If...

If...(...)

I'd march right in the clinic and take my supervisor aside: I cannot do this anymore, figure it out.

Then I'd march right to the secretaries and ask for my trancamento form: I can't do this anymore, figure it out. I just can't.

Then I'd have extra money and extra mental energy to see where to go from there. I wouldn't spend so much of both hating every moment of being in class, writing the papers and going to the meetings. I wouldn't feel like I'm betraying myself. 

Then, I'd take the money from my new job and not have to pay those monthly bills that tie me up and prevent me from doing anything else I actually want. Like French. Or a trip. 

I'd rent a place, I'd tell my mom, I can't do it anymore. I need a place I can walk to and fro, a place that makes me feel alive. Anything. 

I'd sell my car and spend the money that I won't spend on car headaches with bus fares or bottles of water I can buy on my way "to and fro" to quench the thirst of walking. I'd lose weight because I'd be in shape and I'd feel good, even if my clothes get sweaty and my feet might ache a bit.

I'd tell my boyfriend I love him and that I am finally figuring out how to walk my own path, that he is not to worry and not to take it as a sign that I've lost it and need guidance. I'd tell him that taking the alleged easier path is amazing and not at all easy. Even if it were, I take pride in taking it, it has been too many years of having to take the allegedly morally superior difficult path of not listening to what I really want in the name of expectations and "rights" and "wrongs. 

 I'd tell him how liberating it feels and how maybe he could do something like it if he wanted to, I'd back him up 100%. 

Then I'd be living my own life and then I'd be a better version of me and we'd be a better version of us, I'm sure. 

New Year's Eve is coming up...

Now I need to figure out what should follow the IF.

If...