quarta-feira, 5 de janeiro de 2011


I have just read through my If...post (from way back in 2010) and I just did the first thing on that list. Without really realizing it, without planning to do so, I said, I can't do it anymore. And she listened and said, I understand, do what you have to do. I didn't even figure out what was after the "IF".

Now my stomach hurts I'm so nervous.

Tomar a decisão a partir da mulher maya e não da criança...será? Questiono um pouquinho isso.
Mas vamos lá.
A criança teria medo de decepcionar todo mundo, ficaria calada e terminaria o curso para mais uma vez ter uma estrelinha dourada grudada na testa. A menina sentiria tanto medo de fazer algo diferente que não faria e ficaria chorando sozinha enquanto "dá conta".

a menina choraria e diria, não dou conta, mãe, por favor faça algo, por favor me libere!
Mas não tem mais mães para me liberar ou ir pra secretaria por mim. Não tem mãe para por a mão na testa e constatar a febre. Seria a eu-mulher que teria que fazer isso por mim mesma?

The voices that screech FAILURE in my head won't let me be.
FAILURE, COWARD, STUPID, SCREWED, ETC...All sorts of pleasant things.
They say, you won't be able to handle it, the not knowing, the consequences of letting go of what you know but no longer love. I know I love the people that are there, I know I love the way they make me feel safe. But at the end of the day, these people are not here with me and they are not there with me when I'm facing the possibilities of my life. They're out there facing their own.

So what is it gonna be? Can I handle the consequences of my decision, EITHER WAY? Stay or go? What makes me sick to my stomach is the feeling that I can't handle it either way. That it no longer pends on the decision itself, but on my own existance, pure and simple.

I'm scared of getting sick again, scared of the fever.

What is wisdom in this case, what is prudence, what is stupidity?

God, I pray to thee tonight like I haven't in a long time. Please help me through. Please help me through, don't leave me hanging by a thread, please don't let me flip out on myself, don't let my body lose faith and begin to lose ground.
Please god, please.

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