quarta-feira, 5 de janeiro de 2011

Broken Strings

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And a lie's worse
How can I give anymore
And I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late

One year ago just about I was singing this song practically every day. Actually, it was this song that made me realize what was going on in my old relationship. I would sing this in the car on the radio and suddenly the words were so true that I was crying with this newfound insight. "You can't play on broken strings" was my mantra for weeks and weeks. It tears me up...
These emotions since then have subsided and it' ok now. 


I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here anymore. I haven't been wanting to be here since 2006. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. 
let me repeat.
I've beaten myself down with all the rationalizations possible known to man:
1) be reasonable, here you have people you know, here you have "contacts"
2) be reasonable, you're gonna just leave everything, you need money first!
3) be reasonable, be patient, you just have to be willing to do things you dont really like until you can do what you really want. 
4) be reasonable, it's just a city, it's not really about a city

Ok. Ok. Ok. 
What an awful pair of words paired together. 
How about this, be reasonable:
I have been doing things I don't really enjoy for the last hundred years.
I feel suffocated here and petrified half the time
I don't feel I fit in anywhere when it was supposed to come with time, I don't feel I have a home
My mother is here but isn't, I have no idea of her input and as much as I desperatley need it I desperately don't want it because I'm tired of her point of view.
Make money with what? with what? Teaching English? cuz that's all I've got, for the past 5 years, teaching English is all I've got and it was always supposed to be temporary and something to help out until I reached the next step.


Here I am, at a dead-end with my 7 year brasilia investment in my psychology career. I want to go back and start over. I have a dead diploma in my hands and a lot of resentment. I feel betrayed by the promise that this was going to be worth it in the end, that my vocation was truly this. In the end, nobody really cares anymore and I'm left here with this degree and this qualification I don't enjoy. 

I think I'm losing it, actually, i don't THINK I am, I AM.
I don't have the togetherness required for putting together a plan, for thinking long-term, for organizing myself into something that resembles and adult, because I am going crazy dealing with the suffocation, the boredom, the fright, the tiredness and the anger.
I lost the moment when I was supposed to get out of here, like my sister. I lost the several opportunities that came up in times when I didn't have maturity enough to take them.

I don't know what to do. I literally do not know what to do. 
All that comes to me is that "what a huge disappointment you're going to turn out to be...AGAIN."
That's all you do, afterall, disappoint.

I don't know what to do.

Let me rant. I know this isn't the greatest attitude to deal with anything, but I'm just getting things off my chest, I'm not feeling well today.

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