segunda-feira, 21 de junho de 2010


Oh Dear Lord, I've just spent an entire HOUR fooling around with layouts and themes and arrive at the conclusion that I'm too undecisive for change to be a good thing right now. 


That is my exact face at this exact moment.
As I so craftily described to Mon Cher, today was bleh. "Bleh" is exactly what it was (my talent for precision is scaring me). Practically unexistant in its blehness. My nap after work basically erased this day out of existance, as have all my naps recently - highly amnesic powers. 
That's just it, I'm neither here nor there, neither happy nor sad. Just AM. And it scares me half to death that nothing is going on. Could it be I'm addicted to the drama of life and of breakdowns? Could it be that Pristiq and Lexapro have got it together so as to save my brain from any strong emotion? All I feel is PRESSURE. Intracranial and chest pressure. I start to get bugged about something and I have a hard time breathing and then I have a hard time thinking and concentrating and all I can do is wish for sleep. It's plain body talk skipping the mental manifestations. It feels like my brain has descarted me in the whole process: "It's quite alright milady, we won't be needing you from now on" (don't know why it came out with a Brittish accent...).

Wednesday I go back to the psych's office and I feel like hitting my fist against the table and saying, HEY, where's all my emotion? I'm uncannily manageable ALL OF THE TIME. Manageable, not to be mistaken with normal or mature. No room for unstable, no room for grieving or fretting. Blank stares. However, to hit a fist against a table requires a certain dose of indignation and rage and blank stares aren't really there, are they?

I'm telling you, I need a BREAKAGE. I don't know if that's a word, but it's what I need. I need something to break, I need some of this same old same old to be OVER in some drastic way that would mean something to me and that could make me snap out of this daze. I could even settle for it being me who breaks, but then again, blank stares don't really go there...

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